lydia’s rant

To Hell with small talk. We are each a burning rage of wildfire and we ignore it for chit-chat over
the weather, far-off politics, and diet fads. And the niceties really make me sick…the
well-practiced monologue detailing who I am based on country, hobbies, and age…the
exchange of “oh, I love your-” with women and the “hmm…so tell me about yourself” with men;
I’ll be honest right now – I really don’t care.
There is no presentation that will impress me. Stop showing off – tricks are for dogs, and I’m not
interested in holding anyone’s leash.
Stop complaining; if you look up from your feet every now and then you’re bound to notice that
you’re alive – and nothing else was ever promised to you.
Stop making a drama out of affection; take the energy I offer and do something with it. I promise
to be even more receptive when you come to me out of Love rather than bottomless need.
Stop trading likes and dislikes…the fact that we both like jazz brings us no closer together than
the fact that we both dislike bladder infections, so stop glorifying similarities. The same goes for
swapping travel stories; you cann ot learn a nything about a person based on where they have
been, and the retelling is a feel-good elixir for the ego. I would rather know w hat you know…if
you know it yourself.
Why are we talking anyway? Because the silence is awkward. We all have better things to do
than spend our time and energy appropriately avoiding awkward moments…so let’s shut up and
give ourselves a chance to discover what it is we really want to communicate.
Ask yourself, am I listening (or am I just wait ing for a chance to talk?) If you’re not listening then
you need to admit that this has no chance of being a conversation and you may as well go
practice with a mirror.
By saying this am I painting mys elf in any particular image? As important, modest, intelligent,
funny, mature? (Careful – we often try to negate ourselves by making ourselves out to be
unimportant, silly, naive…self-depreciation is also a form of self confirmation.)
Does wha t I want to say lead to action? If not, don’t bother. Speaking for the sake of
entertainment is hugely overrated…it’s just a socially encouraged way of avoiding being present.
You want to talk with me? First become comfortable with the silence. You want to touch me?
First look in my eyes and see yourself. Stand up straight and be vulnerable – now I’m listening.
Maybe now you’re asking, So, we’re just supposed to go around all serious and quiet? Life is
supposed to be fun! And that’s exactly right, life is fun – but there is a thin line between rejecting
all the things you don’t find exciting, and recognizing the fun in life at every turn. Life is a miracle
in and of itself, and if you’re not enjoying the ride a s it is you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you can’t change the stage, change the role you play on it. It’s all about perspective.
Please do not mistake humor, enjoyment, and playing for hysteria, excitement, and gaming:
Happiness is much closer related to contentment than to laughter. Humor is a state of mind, not
a joke; it’s the ability to recognize the ups and downs of life as the ultimate carnival ride. Humor
is the ability to say God be praised in an avalanche. Modern man has reassigned humor to
mean entertainment which, by avoiding presence, allows everyone involved to avoid feeling the
avalanche. You use entertainment to link yourself with other people who are also interested in
avoiding the present moment. The glue you use to hold everyone together? Empty laughter.
There is nothing quite so pricklingly painful as laughing along with something which isn’t
funny…and each time you do you slip away from your real humor, your natural appreciation.
Enjoyment is a surrender while excitement is a chase. To enjoy something/someone you have
to accept it/them exactly as it/they are on the moment; excitement is the giddy building of
anticipation for something which you think/hope will happen. To enjoy you have to recognize
yourself as your own master (take responsibility for yourself) and thereby know satisfaction at
each moment; excitement is chasing something perpetually around the next corner so that you
are a victim to your imagination and you watch your life go by as though it were a film playing
before you.
Playing is the way you move through life rather than a manipulation. The world we live in is the
ultimate playground and playing is unavoidable so long as you are breathing. Game-playing is
an insult to living; Gods dressing up like donkeys. Game-playing is the different
personas/roles/masks you wear with different people; it is always an act, and it will leave you
exhausted. So just stop – let all your selves come crashing down around your ears and try
something else. Maybe try being honest.
And enough with the grown-up children. We have confused ‘keeping the inner child alive’ with
miming out spoiled, irresponsible children. Keeping the inner child alive means to retain your
unbiased wonder for the world, to accept everything that comes with open arms, and to see only
what is there rather than what you imagine should be there…it has nothing to do with o nly doing
what you want.
What you want is a delusion anyway, so try addressing what you need instead; I’ll bet it has
nothing to do with ‘appropriate’. Your need doesn’t understand the words “I can’t”, and it may
not care about convenience…and it is the only guide you have in this life.
“It’s all up to you.
You are completely responsible for your life.
You are the creator.
It’s an awesome burden and a great freedom.
It’s all up to you.
When you take responsibility for one life, you assume responsibility for all life.
If you fail to take responsibility for your life, you do not exist.
Tough, isn’t it?
When you finally realize how really tough it is, when you finally accept life, when you finally find
there is no way out but self-awareness and the incredible pain and loneliness and responsibility
it brings, then and only then will you begin to be alive, and begin to know the joy of freedom.”
– Paul Williams, Das Energi

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